That’s So Rory: Valentine’s Day Edition.

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This Valentine’s day was one for the books, ya’ll. At first I had a serious case of the bummers because I didn’t think I was going to have a date. I talked to my therapist about it on Tuesday and she said that lots of people feel sad on Valentine’s day because society has set up a system of often unobtainable standards by which some of us feel obligated to measure ourselves and Vanentine’s day is the ultimate corporate explotation of our true emotional being. I said I guess so but really I just wanted someone to snuggle with.

Well imagine my elation when my good buddy Sticky Fingers from work came over to my desk on Thursday and hipped me to the fact that his sister-in-law was also unattached this V-day. He invited me to double with him and his wife at a PF Chang’s near his house in the burbs. I was stoked.

First thing I did was pull my old suit out of the closet, the one I wore to my senior prom. I don’t really have any nice dress shirts. All the ones I had before I moved to Chicago got destroyed when I accidentally put them in the washing machine with a box of ballpoint pens. Anyway, I just threw on one of my new Polo shirts and I was looking pretty sweet.

PF Chang’s is one of the fanciest places I’ve ever been. I got the Beef a la Sichuan. My date, who I’ll call Anita, was gorgeous. And so smart! I couldn’t stop listening to her talk about her job working at an animal shelter. She showed me so many pics of puppies and kitties. My heart was aflutter.

When we got back to Sticky Finger’s house he and his wife went right up to their room. Their kids were staying at Mrs. Sticky Fingers parents’ house. Anita and I sat on the couch in the living room. She had on this really amazing white blouse with ruffles down the front. She had a white flower in her hair and I asked if I could smell it. She smiled and said it wasn’t real but she thought it was sweet that I wanted to. I turned on the T.V. It was the Disney channel. I tried to change it but I pressed the wrong button and all that happened was that the picture went away and the audio from the Disney Channel switched to surround sound. She laughed and didn’t seem to mind.

Eventually we were doing it on the couch. She was on top which is okay with me because I’m really into women’s rights. It was very nice. I thought she was a beautiful woman and she seemed really into it. There was just one problem. The Disney Channel was still blaring. I’m not sure what show it was but it seemed like their were two brothers who wanted a third brother to take them to an amusement park. The third brother would only do so if the first two younger brothers got him information about a girl he had a crush on. They were able to do this because that girl’s younger sister was on their little league team. No one liked her because she was the only girl on the team. Anyway, I was actually starting to get into the plot and I sort of got distracted and I don’t really think I left Anita feeling as cared for as maybe I should have :(

I spent the rest of the weekend trying to call her and email her but she wouldn’t respond. I just know if I could get another chance with her, and if the Disney Channel wasn’t roaring in the background, I could make her happy and maybe we could have a future together. Here’s hoping.

Working 8 to 6:30 With A Thirty min. Lunch Break: What a Way to Make a Living.

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Great news, Y’all!!! That temp agency came through, and I got a job! It’s pretty great. Aunt Milly told me not to say where the job is  on my blog because it might lead to me becoming a victim of identity theft again. My bank said that because it happens so often they aren’t  going to reimburse me for fraudulent charges anymore, so I need to be careful. What I can tell you about the job is that it is a sweet receptionist gig. I get to talk to people on the phone all day, which is just the best! I love helping others and this gives me the chance to do that. My boss is a lady who I’ll call Josephine. Josephine is in her mid thirties. She has a face like lion and spooky grey eyes. After my first day she told me that I should try not to talk so much when people call. She said that I should be courteous and pleasant, but that I should transfer them quickly to the person they are trying to reach. But I just don’t know how I’m ever going to get to know anyone that way. Sometimes I pick up the phone and say, “Hi! Thank you for calling ………. my name is Rory and I am super excited to help you out today. Are you calling from Chicago? I moved here last year and it’s my favorite city in the whole world….” I can go on and on about how I love Chi-town, but you already know that if you read this blog ;-p

Before I started, Aunt Milly brought me to Kohl’s and helped me pick out an array of polo shirt to wear to work. I bought them all a size larger than I usually get because I’m probably going to be getting pretty swole soon. For now there’s a lot of extra room in the shirts. Josephine asked me if they were my father’s shirts and basically everyone in the office laughed, but soon I’ll be able to fill them out.

So, I’m still getting my bearings at the new job, but I think it’s going to be a dynamite place to make some real life long friendships. There’s this super nice guy I met who seems like a good candidate. I’m going to call him Sticky Fingers because he’s always eating pieces of candy I keep on my desk and then wiping his sticky fingers all over my work station. I don’t say anything because I think it would embarrass him. Anyway, on my second day, Sticky Fingers came by and started telling me about all the women in the office he had dated. He told me some details I don’t think a gentleman should share, but I always try to remember that when I feel uncomfortable it’s probably because I’m in a situation that is teaching me something new. Sticky Fingers has a wife and the most adorable four-year-old son you’ve ever seen. He invited me over to his house to play Call of Duty on his brand new Playstation 4 so, you can bet your sweet behinds I’m going to take him up on that. I’ll report back later.

Aside from the new job, not much has changed. Just keeping my fingers crossed that this is my year. Mad love for all my followers. TTYL, Ya’ll!!!

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Getting Swole

So my therapist suggested I start exercising to help me deal with the cases of the grumpies I’ve been combatting for I don’t even know how long. The funny thing is that the more I talk to her the more I feel like maybe I’ve been depressed longer than I even realized. My therapist said that she treats people all the time who don’t even know how miserable they are. She said it’s a huge step that I know that I’ve got the bummers. Anyway, she said that a healthy body can lead to a healthy mind, so as part of my New Years resolution to better myself in ever single way, this Chicagoan is getting healthy. Here are my top ten ideas for getting ripped and fit.

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One thing I’m definitely thinking is that I need to decrease my intake of Italian beef sandwiches. I’ll probably cut down to three or four a week to start with. That should make a huge difference.

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Aunt Milly has got a pretty sweet Nordic Track set up in the basement. I figure I’ll jump on that for 20 or so minutes a day to burn some calories and build some serious muscle.

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Everyone knows that if you’re going to work out you need the proper attire. That’s why I applied for a discover card so that I could get some hot new Lululemon gear. I always see beautiful fit women wearing that type of stuff on the train. I was so excited to find out one day, while I was purusing the website, that they actually make men’s wear as well. What a great way to strike up a conversation with some of the babes at the gym. Oh yeah, I also used the Discover card to join L.A. Fitness. Awww yeah.

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Also got this rad pair of running shoes. They have a wonderful lakefront trail here in Chi-city. Can’t wait to take advantage.

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Lastly, I’m taking on the Tae Bo challenge. Aunt Milly has all the videos in the basement.

I’m really hoping all these changes will help. I’ve just been so sad lately. I want to be a good guy and I want to meet a nice woman and make her my wife. I love Chicago and I’m so happy to be here. I guess that’s something. Till next time, friends.

The First Step is Admitting You Need Temp Work

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So on account of the fact that I’ve been sleeping fifteen hours a day and I suppose because I’ve just been generally down in the dumps lately, Aunt Milly took me to see a therapist. I didn’t want to go, not because I’m one of those people that looks down on mental illness or anything, but because there was an all day SVU marathon on cable and I was very excited to watch it. I have a huge crush on the woman who plays Olivia. Anyway, I don’t want to tell you the therapist’s real name so I’ll just call her Tina after Tina Turner, who was a strong woman and sort of reminds me of the therapist Tina. The therapist Tina is white though, and really tall, and she has an office with a lot of books in it. We talked for a long time and she asked me a lot of personal questions and after an hour she said, “It sounds like you’re really depressed, Rory.” I lost it. I started crying really hard because as soon as I heard her say it I knew it was true. My mantra has always been, “In it to Win it, live life to the fullest, always be closing.” But I sure haven’t been living it lately. I’ve been staying with Aunt Milly for over a year. I have a few jobs but they never work out and I have yet to find the love of my life. I know she’s here in Chi-town, the best city in the world, and it makes me sad to think we haven’t met yet.

Well I’ll tell you, it felt good to get all that off my chest. Therapist Tina set me up with the name of a really nice psychiatrist and gave me some helpful hints for avoiding some of my more destructive behaviors. I think maybe Tina could be my soul mate. I didn’t say so to her, though. Sometimes I think maybe I’m so desperate for love that I rush into things. I’m going to work my slow game with Therapist Tina. Until then, I’m happy to finally know why I don’t always feel like life is the absolute best, even though deep down I know it is.

After the therapist visit Aunt Milly took me to a temp agency. I got called back into an office where a very nice woman with an enormous smile lots of wrinkles next to her eyes sat me down to discuss my resume. I like wrinkles by a woman’s eyes, they are like pages from a novel about a life well lived. Aunt Milly has them to. She came into the office with me to help me discuss what type of work might be best for me. “He’s a very artistic young man, and he knows computers,” she said, seeming proud. I was touched.

“Also, I have full blown depression,” I added, because it was on my mind and because I thought maybe it would matter. The woman with the eye wrinkles just stared at me. Her face got red and she seemed very uncomfortable. Aunt Milly shook her head and stood up immediately..

“Thanks for your time, anyway,” she said and grabbed by the arm and ushered me out of there. We are going to try a different temp agency tomorrow. Aunt Milly told me depression is nothing to be ashamed of but having no tact is. I guess I can’t always tell anyone how I feel. Bummer.

Diamond In The Rough

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Hey all. Well, I’ve got a pretty shameful story to tell you. Aunt Milly entrusted me with a big responsability and I’m afraid I did not come through for her. Now that the leaves are gone and the snow is falling, Aunt Milly declared it was finally time to get new tires put on her car. I was pretty honored when she asked me to drive to the Sears Auto Shop and have four brand new Goodyears put on. You see, things have been really tense between me and Aunt Milly lately ever since I downloaded a virus onto her laptop and her desktop and her ipad trying to get the new Kanye West album. This was my chance to prove to her that I’m a stand up guy, and that it was not, as she sometimes says, “A huge mistake” to let me live with her here in Chi-city, the best place in the whole world.

The people at Sears were very kind to me. While I waited for the new tires to be put on, they suggested I take a walk around the store. This was just after Christmas, and the place was abuzz with shoppers. I saw so many bright, loving families in their winter coats, all smiles and warm salutations. I have to admit that love was on my mind when I stepped up to the jewelry counter. Orignally I wanted to browse some cool looking Rolex watches, but before long I had meandered over to the diamond rings. Well I’ll tell you, the moment I laid eyes on the Emitations Padgett’s Marquise Cut Cubic Zirconia Wedding Ring Set – Double Ring Guards I knew I had to have it for when I finally meet the girl I’m going to fall in love with and ask to be my wife. The only problem? I haven’t been working so much in the past 20 months. I’m pretty low on funds. But I have to tell you, I was filled with love for my future wife and thoughts only of caring for her needs when I reached into my pocket and pulled out the $500 cash Aunt Milly had given me to pay for the tires. The woman at the counter was so nice, and she seemed excited when I said I couldn’t wait to give it to my girlfriend. She had a really bright smile and said, “She’s a lucky woman.”
“Oh no,” I said, “I’m a lucky guy. Or I’m going to be.” Then I asked her what she was doing later because if you are on the look out for your true love like I am, you have to be ready for the fact that she might be anywhere at any time. Let’s just say the woman working the jewelry counter is not my soulmate.
Anyway, you can probably guess what happened next. When I went back to pay for the tires I had no money. They had to put the old tires back on and then bill Aunt Milly’s Sears card for the labor costs. When I got home and showed Aunt Milly the ring, she started to cry. At first I thought she was overcome by the romance of the whole thing, but later she said it was because I was such a disappointment to her.
We went back to the mall and returned the ring to the same woman who had sold it to me. Aunt Milly and the woman had a long laugh at my expense. Then, while we waited for the tires to be put on the car, Aunt Milly took me to the Cinnabon and let me get two Cinnabons and said she was sorry for yelling at me the entire way to the mall. Then she said something that I’ll never forget. “You’re 27 years old now, Rory. You have to get you fucking life together.” She’s right. 2014 is going to be my year.

My 2013 Favorite Things of 2013 Pt. 1

Hey friends! It’s the roarster, back at you with a hot list of everything rad and chi-town funky about the past year. Well, we have a long way to go so lets get started with the countdown.

2013: Getting back into the 80′s!!!!
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Ahh, nostalgia. There was nothing cooler in 2013 than having an all out 80′s night. Kicking back to some Depeche Mode or just having a 24 hour brat-pack marathon. The 80′s were back in 2013 and they were hotter, sexier and full of more giant shoulder pads than ever before!

2012: College Football.

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Was it just me, or was EVERYBODY talking about College Football this year? You guys. I love Fball just as much as the next guy, but come on, there were other rad things happening in 2013.

2011: The Affordable Care Act.

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I just got booted from my parents’ insurance so this is a story I’ve been watching closely. It seems like every day there was something new to talk about, some new controversy to deal with, some new wonderment to behold. The same can be said for my wicked case of ringworm, witch has encircled my entire ankle. Fingers crossed that this Obamacare thing can pay for someone to fix it.

2010: Kanye West.
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Okay, I’m probably gonna catch some heat for this one, but I have to say it. Kanye was tearing it up this year. He got married, which is like, my number one most awesomelly huge dream. I tried to download his new albumbut we got an email from Comcast that said I was doing it dishonestly and Aunt Milly revoked my computer privileges for most of the year. That’s why I haven’t been posting lately. One love, guys. Crime doesn’t pay. Congrats to Kanye and Kim and the new baby!

2009: Sweet Cars

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For real, dudes. Between the new Fast and The Furious movie and my aunt Milly’s boyfriend’s nephew’s car and these kick butt wheels I saw parked outside my apartment in Chi-town, it seems like everyone is finally able to save up enough money to buy the car of their dreams. Awww yeah. Some day!

Okay, bros. That’s it for now. About to pound some brews with my boys. I’ll continue the list tomorrow. We have a long ways to go!!!!!!!

Dibs, Fibs, and Ribs.

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Hey everyone. So I wrote this a couple of weeks ago, but I was too ashamed to post it. Then, today, while I was out partying, I saw a guy with a shirt that said, “Push It To The Extreme”. I thought, yeah, he’s right. I shouldn’t be holding anything back. I should be putting myself out there, flaws and all. So here it is:

So I’m pretty much bed ridden right now. I broke one of my ribs and it hurts to move. When I was a kid I used to think the word “Karma” meant something sweet, because it sounded like “Carmel”. Well, now that I’m a grown up I know the terrible truth: Karma can taste just as bitter and unpleasant as a spoonful of old purple medicine, and boy did I have to take my medicine this weekend.

This story starts out in a shameful way. I would rather skip this part, but there’s no way around it so I’ll just say it. I told a lie. I lied right to my Aunt Milly. She was braising a pork roast in the kitchen when I did it. See, the thing is, Tomb Raider just came out for X-Box 360. It looks like a super fun game and Lara Croft, the sexy, super hot lead in the game, is one of my biggest crushes, hands down. (I mean, who wouldn’t love a woman who can kick ass, but is also into history and culture? I’m not like most guys, I need a babe with some brains.) Here’s the thing though. The Game Stop is nowhere near our house and if I was going to get there in time to purchase the game, I was going to need to borrow Aunt Milly’s 2012 Toyota Prius. Here’s the catch, though. Aunt Milly never lets me take the car out on account of the fact that I once spilled a V-8 all over the upholstery. I did my best to clean it up but Aunt Milly said that the car smelled like someone dumped a lasagna in the washing machine.

You have to understand something. I’ve been having a rough couple of months. First, I got let go from the cell phone kiosk in the mall. Too many people complained about me asking them to hang out after I got off work. I guess I was coming on a little desperate, but it’s hard to make friends when you spend 65 hours a week working at a cell phone kiosk. I was desperate for some happiness, and when I read about the release of the new Tomb Raider game I thought, “I deserve to play that.”

So while Aunt Milly was busy braising the pork roast, I made up something about how a guy I knew that worked at a different cell phone kiosk in the mall wanted me to come down for an interview because he heard I had been let go from the original cell phone kiosk. (I’m trying to keep the names of the service providers out of it for legal reasons.)

“Well, can’t you take the bus?” She was bent over the opened oven, poking at the pork roast, clearly unhappy with the progress that had been made.

“He wants me there within the hour. Plus, that snow storm is hitting us pretty hard and the buses are backed up. I checked on the internet.”

“OK. Fine.” She waved me away. I could tell she was more concerned about the roast just then. She had some friends coming over and she was stressed out. Aunt Milly has a diverse group of wonderful friends. They are very important to her and I can understand why. Making friends is important to me too.

I hopped in the car and was off to Game Stop. I drove as carefully as I could. The snow was coming down pretty good by then and the streets and sidewalks were slick. I purchased the game and rushed back home. No muss, no fuss. Except for this one thing that happened next. You see, when I pulled back onto our block I noticed that there was only one parking spot available and that someone had dragged some garbage and put it near the curb. This was strange since garbage in Chicago goes in the alley. I thought maybe the person who had done it was new to the city and didn’t understand so I decided I would help us both out by dragging his discarded trash into the alley and taking the parking spot for myself. It wasn’t much, a couple of lawn chairs and long piece of plywood. It didn’t take me long to haul everything around into the alleyway.

I went inside and managed to sneak past Aunt Milly and her guests and head straight to my room where I started playing the ever-living heck out of some Tomb Raider. So it would seem that this story ends on a happy note, but, alas my internet friends, it is only just beginning.

About an hour later there was a tremendous pounding on our front door. I came out of my room to see what all the ruckus was about. Aunt Milly was already at the front door, looking concerned. The pounding, which was getting more violent, was making everyone in the room noticeably uneasy. But Aunt Milly was never one to stand down in the face of danger, and in the next moment she pulled the door open, completely to reveal a squat looking old man, bald, with an angry scrunched up face. For a moment he looked startled, like he hadn’t expected anyone to answer. Then, he stepped into the house.

“We got a real problem,” he said. “What the hell is the matter with your boy there?” He pointed at me.

“Sir. Please don’t invite your self into my home and start…”

“I called dibs! I had dibs on my spot. You have to respect dibs!”

I was scared, guys. I’m not even going to lie to you. Before I could make a move the guy came lunging toward me. He tackled me into the kitchen. I stood up and tried to make a run for it. Aunt Milly was yelling from the other room. The man was still on the floor. He grabbed the cuff of my pants and I lost my balance. On my way down I grabbed desperately for something to catch my balance. My hand landed on the pork roast that was cooling on the counter. It provided no support and came crashing to the ground with me. Covered in pork juices and feeling ashamed, I sat on the floor while the old man and Aunt Milly lectured me about the Chicago tradition of dibs. Apparently, it is somewhat of an unwritten rule that if you shovel out a parking space at any time during the winter months you can save it all day by putting trash in the street to hold the place. I said that that seems unfair since anyone who was out driving that day probably had to shovel a spot out themselves and that it’s a public street that we should all share. What if someone needed that spot at sometime during the day? I said I didn’t understand, that it didn’t make any sense at all. They told me to shut up. Then Aunt Milly sent me to my room. She came in later and took away my X-Box. The next day I had to go to the doctor to becasuse my chest really hurt. He took an x-ray and it turns out that I broke one of my ribs when the man tackled me. I hope things get better soon.