I’M GONNA BE A DAD!!!!!

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Amazing news ya’ll! I’m going to be a father! Wow. I can’t believe it. It’s like in the last few months, all my dreams have been coming true. First, I met this amazing woman named Miranda at a Dunkin Donuts She is so pretty and nice and she loves Xbox 360 just like me!

It turned out that she had been having some real problems with her mom so I let her move in the week after we met. What a dream. Whenever I came home from work she was sitting there waiting for me, right where I left her: on the couch tearing it up in Titan Fall. One of the first things she did after moving in was go on my Amazon account and surprise me by ordering a brand new Xbox One. AWWW YEAH!;)

Anyway, things had been going amazing until this weekend, when I came home from Popeye’s Chicken (It’s her fav. She has me run out and get it for her every weekend. I’m so whipped! Hahaha. JK. For real, I’m a domesticated man now. Feels right.) So I come home with the chicken and Miranda is nowhere to be found. Not only that, the Xbox One and the Xbox 360 are gone. So is my T.V. and a jar of spare change I keep on my dresser. Plus my computer and ipad and ipad mini. (I’m typing this on my phone. JEEEZ!) At first I was scared because I thought for sure I’d been robbed and Miranda had been kidnapped, but before I called the police I decided I better be sure, so I started sweeping the apartment for clues.

That’s when I found the box of pregnancy tests stuffed into the back of my bathroom vanity. Immediately it all became clear to me. Obviously Miranda had purchased these tests, but then thought better of it and gone straight to a doctor. (I would have advised her to do just that so I’m proud of her.) She was probably so excited to find out that she was pregnant that she packed up all our stuff and wanted to start the move out to Cali (California) where her sister lives right away! I know she’d want our son to grow up out there. She talks about how rad San Fran (San Francisco) is all the time. How everyone is just chill. It sounds amazing.

So, if you haven’t guessed by now, old Rory is going on a little road trip! That’s right. I quick my job and I’m packing up and heading out there to meet her. I want to be there for every step of the pregnancy. I’ve always wanted a son, and I want to start getting to know him right away. I’ll keep you all posted on my adventure. Gosh there’s just so much to do! Picking out baby names, starting a college fund, building a crib. CAN NOT WAIT.

CHEERS!

- R

AN IKEA KEEPER

Well it finally happened for me! Longtime readers will know that I’ve waited my whole life for this moment. And I think it finally happened. I MET MY SOUL MATE!! She is everything I have ever wanted. She is super pretty. She has short dark hair and a nose ring that I think gives her a great edge without being too in your face. She works at Game Stop and we hit it off immediately. Well wait. I’m getting way ahead of myself. Let me start at the beginning.

See, last month I finally moved out of Aunt Milly’s place, but I’d blown most of my cash on the first and last month’s rent, and then I had my identity stolen again, and whoever did it tried to use my social security number to take out a loan to buy a boat. It took forever to get it all straightened out. At one point I was just going to go ahead and buy the boat because how cool would that be?!!! But instead, I decided not to. Once the debt collectors stopped garnishing my wages, I was finally able to save up some scratch to buy some decent furniture for my pad.

OFF TO IKEA I WENT!

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That place is the best. I ate breakfast and lunch there because get this, THEY HAVE THEIR OWN CAFETERIA! I know. I had meatballs for both meals. They were excellent. I highly recommend them. So anyway, I went a little crazy at the Ikea. There was just so much amazing stuff there, I had to have it all. I won’t even tell you how much I ended up spending, but lets just say I maxed out my credit card ;)

Anyway, the real problem started when I got out to the parking lot. Aunt Milly had lent me her car, but it’s just a two door and there was no way I was going to be able to fit all of my items in it. I got a bed, a kitchen table, a dining room table, a desk, a bookshelf, an end table, a kitchen island, all new dishes and silverware, a really lovely plant, wine glasses (awww yeah! Keeping it classy.) a recliner and a few bean bag chairs. Turns out I was only able to fit one or two items in the car at a time. I had to take a lot of it out of the box and stack the different pieces all over the car. I went back into the Ikea and asked if they could hold onto some of the stuff until I could come back later with a bigger car, but the guy I asked said no way, they were about to close and they didn’t do Sh- – like that. He wasn’t very nice.

So I just left everything I couldn’t fit in the parking lot with a note on it that said, “Please do not steal.” and I stared making trips back home. Each time I returned to the Ikea parking lot there was something missing or vandalized. Someone drew a large male penis on the face of my dining room table, which was extremely out of line. Since the round trip was two hours, it was nine in the morning when I finally got my last load in the car. I was so tired I drove over to the Dunkin Donuts to grab a coffee (Rory runs on Dunkin ya’ll) and that’s where I met Miranda. She was wearing a Bioshock Infinite T-shirt and we started talking and I have a date with her on Tuesday and I can’t wait. I’ll let you all know how it goes!!

Work It! Work It Good!

Hey All!

I’ve been so darn busy at my new job I’ve hardly been able to find the time to post any updates! As some of you may already know, I recently accepted a position as a receptionist at a really wonderful company. I can’t say the name for legal reasons. Anyway, things have been going practically the best they could possibly go there. I’m making so many potential friends it is OUTRAGEOUS. I really feel like I’m on my way to climbing the corporate ladder. So the other day I was thinking, I’ve learned so many great techniques for getting ahead over the last few months, I should share them with all my internet peeps! So here they are. Rory’s top ten ways to get ahead in the work place.

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10. Pull Out The Chair For the CEO During a Big Meeting. 

I just started doing this one and OH BOY has it been successful. Last time, I had to rush across the room to get to the chair before Mr. Flemming sat down, but I made it just in time. As I scooted him in I could see the amazed looks on all the faces in the room. They had to be thinking, “How come I never thought of that?” I really felt like a trend setter. This one is a game changer. Don’t miss your opportunity to jump on it.

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9. Ask Clients What Their Favorite Food Is. 

This one is just good manners. I spend a lot of time on the phone and when people call me up I can tell that they’ve been talking shop all day long. The last thing they want is to get right down to even more boring business. That’s why, whenever I answer the phone at my job, I always start off with a fun get-to-know-you question, just to break the ice. People are so surprised! A few times they asked to talk to my manager, I assume to compliment me on my kindness. Asking about their favorite food is a great one, but here are some other options: Hello, what is your favorite kind of precious jewel? Good day, how many pushups can you do? Greetings, what bank do you like to use? etc. Come up with your own! These all work best when you make them personal.

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8. Eat Lunch With the Big Players. 

This one is easy. Find out where the big wigs eat and go there! Try to get a table right across from them so you can make as much eye contact as possible. Be sure to wave when the opportunity arrises, and remember to CHEW WITH YOUR MOUTH CLOSED PEOPLE!

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7. Compliment Compliment Compliment. 

This one is easy for me because I’m always looking out for nice things to say to people. Maybe it’s a nice tie or some lovely earrings. Perhaps a new haircut or a chipper demeanor. Whatever it is, don’t be afraid to point it out. One thing I wouldn’t do is tell people how hot the pictures of their daughters are that they keep on their desks. Sometimes those pictures are of girls that are too young to be dating and that can make you and them feel very weird.

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6. The Bathroom is Where the Gossip Happens. 

There are these three guys at work that are always telling the funniest stories to each other, usually on their way to the bathroom. Whenever I see one of them getting up to go I always run in right after them. Just pretend you’re washing your hands really really good so you can stand their and hear the whole story as they whisper it to each other in the corner.

900x900px-LL-24155613_Halo5. Birthdays are the BEST.

Always make sure you remember everyone’s birthday. And don’t forget to get them a gift. I give everyone a $25 gift card to Dave&Busters. Usually I have to charge them to my credit card because there are like three birthdays a week in this office. No worries though, I just think of it as an investment. Everyone remembers the receptionist who gave them the coolest gift! And who knows, one day someone might invite me to tag along to D&B with them! Then I’m making a friend and a work contact! CHA-CHING!

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4. Always Be Down for After Work Drinks

Real work place connections are made after hours at the bar. When you’re the new guy, people can sometimes be unsure about asking you to hang out or maybe they just forget. That’s why you have to go to a few of the bars in the area to find out where everyone decided to go after work. Then you can just act like you ran into them. After the third or fourth time, it starts to seem like a really funny coincidence and it can make for a fun joke. “Oh my God! You guys again? We should just start leaving the office together!” I feel like any day now they’re going to ask me to go with them!

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3. If you play the guitar BRING IT!

I usually spend my lunch hour picking out a few tunes in the break room. I have a pretty nice voice so I know my coworkers appreciate it when I sing some jams. I mostly do a lot of Zep and a few songs by The Frey. It’s like I’m one of those guys in the Potbelly! I think people are really digging it. I do a mean version of Free Bird, all solo, but I’m saving that one for the Christmas Party ;)

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2. Work Your Very Hardest 

The most important thing in life is working hard. You can do everything on my list and it will for sure help you, but it won’t get you anywhere if you don’t work your butt off!

Just Gotta Be Me1. Be Yourself!

Sometimes I’m nervous at work. Being around so many successful people can be intimidating. I just have to remind myself that I’m a good person. I try really hard to do the right thing and I only want the best for others. As long as I live my life by that mantra, there’s no way I can go anywhere but UP at this gig!

 

Until next time!

-R

 

 

 

That’s So Rory: Valentine’s Day Edition.

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This Valentine’s day was one for the books, ya’ll. At first I had a serious case of the bummers because I didn’t think I was going to have a date. I talked to my therapist about it on Tuesday and she said that lots of people feel sad on Valentine’s day because society has set up a system of often unobtainable standards by which some of us feel obligated to measure ourselves and Vanentine’s day is the ultimate corporate explotation of our true emotional being. I said I guess so but really I just wanted someone to snuggle with.

Well imagine my elation when my good buddy Sticky Fingers from work came over to my desk on Thursday and hipped me to the fact that his sister-in-law was also unattached this V-day. He invited me to double with him and his wife at a PF Chang’s near his house in the burbs. I was stoked.

First thing I did was pull my old suit out of the closet, the one I wore to my senior prom. I don’t really have any nice dress shirts. All the ones I had before I moved to Chicago got destroyed when I accidentally put them in the washing machine with a box of ballpoint pens. Anyway, I just threw on one of my new Polo shirts and I was looking pretty sweet.

PF Chang’s is one of the fanciest places I’ve ever been. I got the Beef a la Sichuan. My date, who I’ll call Anita, was gorgeous. And so smart! I couldn’t stop listening to her talk about her job working at an animal shelter. She showed me so many pics of puppies and kitties. My heart was aflutter.

When we got back to Sticky Finger’s house he and his wife went right up to their room. Their kids were staying at Mrs. Sticky Fingers parents’ house. Anita and I sat on the couch in the living room. She had on this really amazing white blouse with ruffles down the front. She had a white flower in her hair and I asked if I could smell it. She smiled and said it wasn’t real but she thought it was sweet that I wanted to. I turned on the T.V. It was the Disney channel. I tried to change it but I pressed the wrong button and all that happened was that the picture went away and the audio from the Disney Channel switched to surround sound. She laughed and didn’t seem to mind.

Eventually we were doing it on the couch. She was on top which is okay with me because I’m really into women’s rights. It was very nice. I thought she was a beautiful woman and she seemed really into it. There was just one problem. The Disney Channel was still blaring. I’m not sure what show it was but it seemed like their were two brothers who wanted a third brother to take them to an amusement park. The third brother would only do so if the first two younger brothers got him information about a girl he had a crush on. They were able to do this because that girl’s younger sister was on their little league team. No one liked her because she was the only girl on the team. Anyway, I was actually starting to get into the plot and I sort of got distracted and I don’t really think I left Anita feeling as cared for as maybe I should have :(

I spent the rest of the weekend trying to call her and email her but she wouldn’t respond. I just know if I could get another chance with her, and if the Disney Channel wasn’t roaring in the background, I could make her happy and maybe we could have a future together. Here’s hoping.

Working 8 to 6:30 With A Thirty min. Lunch Break: What a Way to Make a Living.

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Great news, Y’all!!! That temp agency came through, and I got a job! It’s pretty great. Aunt Milly told me not to say where the job is  on my blog because it might lead to me becoming a victim of identity theft again. My bank said that because it happens so often they aren’t  going to reimburse me for fraudulent charges anymore, so I need to be careful. What I can tell you about the job is that it is a sweet receptionist gig. I get to talk to people on the phone all day, which is just the best! I love helping others and this gives me the chance to do that. My boss is a lady who I’ll call Josephine. Josephine is in her mid thirties. She has a face like lion and spooky grey eyes. After my first day she told me that I should try not to talk so much when people call. She said that I should be courteous and pleasant, but that I should transfer them quickly to the person they are trying to reach. But I just don’t know how I’m ever going to get to know anyone that way. Sometimes I pick up the phone and say, “Hi! Thank you for calling ………. my name is Rory and I am super excited to help you out today. Are you calling from Chicago? I moved here last year and it’s my favorite city in the whole world….” I can go on and on about how I love Chi-town, but you already know that if you read this blog ;-p

Before I started, Aunt Milly brought me to Kohl’s and helped me pick out an array of polo shirt to wear to work. I bought them all a size larger than I usually get because I’m probably going to be getting pretty swole soon. For now there’s a lot of extra room in the shirts. Josephine asked me if they were my father’s shirts and basically everyone in the office laughed, but soon I’ll be able to fill them out.

So, I’m still getting my bearings at the new job, but I think it’s going to be a dynamite place to make some real life long friendships. There’s this super nice guy I met who seems like a good candidate. I’m going to call him Sticky Fingers because he’s always eating pieces of candy I keep on my desk and then wiping his sticky fingers all over my work station. I don’t say anything because I think it would embarrass him. Anyway, on my second day, Sticky Fingers came by and started telling me about all the women in the office he had dated. He told me some details I don’t think a gentleman should share, but I always try to remember that when I feel uncomfortable it’s probably because I’m in a situation that is teaching me something new. Sticky Fingers has a wife and the most adorable four-year-old son you’ve ever seen. He invited me over to his house to play Call of Duty on his brand new Playstation 4 so, you can bet your sweet behinds I’m going to take him up on that. I’ll report back later.

Aside from the new job, not much has changed. Just keeping my fingers crossed that this is my year. Mad love for all my followers. TTYL, Ya’ll!!!

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Getting Swole

So my therapist suggested I start exercising to help me deal with the cases of the grumpies I’ve been combatting for I don’t even know how long. The funny thing is that the more I talk to her the more I feel like maybe I’ve been depressed longer than I even realized. My therapist said that she treats people all the time who don’t even know how miserable they are. She said it’s a huge step that I know that I’ve got the bummers. Anyway, she said that a healthy body can lead to a healthy mind, so as part of my New Years resolution to better myself in ever single way, this Chicagoan is getting healthy. Here are my top ten ideas for getting ripped and fit.

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One thing I’m definitely thinking is that I need to decrease my intake of Italian beef sandwiches. I’ll probably cut down to three or four a week to start with. That should make a huge difference.

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Aunt Milly has got a pretty sweet Nordic Track set up in the basement. I figure I’ll jump on that for 20 or so minutes a day to burn some calories and build some serious muscle.

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Everyone knows that if you’re going to work out you need the proper attire. That’s why I applied for a discover card so that I could get some hot new Lululemon gear. I always see beautiful fit women wearing that type of stuff on the train. I was so excited to find out one day, while I was purusing the website, that they actually make men’s wear as well. What a great way to strike up a conversation with some of the babes at the gym. Oh yeah, I also used the Discover card to join L.A. Fitness. Awww yeah.

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Also got this rad pair of running shoes. They have a wonderful lakefront trail here in Chi-city. Can’t wait to take advantage.

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Lastly, I’m taking on the Tae Bo challenge. Aunt Milly has all the videos in the basement.

I’m really hoping all these changes will help. I’ve just been so sad lately. I want to be a good guy and I want to meet a nice woman and make her my wife. I love Chicago and I’m so happy to be here. I guess that’s something. Till next time, friends.

The First Step is Admitting You Need Temp Work

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So on account of the fact that I’ve been sleeping fifteen hours a day and I suppose because I’ve just been generally down in the dumps lately, Aunt Milly took me to see a therapist. I didn’t want to go, not because I’m one of those people that looks down on mental illness or anything, but because there was an all day SVU marathon on cable and I was very excited to watch it. I have a huge crush on the woman who plays Olivia. Anyway, I don’t want to tell you the therapist’s real name so I’ll just call her Tina after Tina Turner, who was a strong woman and sort of reminds me of the therapist Tina. The therapist Tina is white though, and really tall, and she has an office with a lot of books in it. We talked for a long time and she asked me a lot of personal questions and after an hour she said, “It sounds like you’re really depressed, Rory.” I lost it. I started crying really hard because as soon as I heard her say it I knew it was true. My mantra has always been, “In it to Win it, live life to the fullest, always be closing.” But I sure haven’t been living it lately. I’ve been staying with Aunt Milly for over a year. I have a few jobs but they never work out and I have yet to find the love of my life. I know she’s here in Chi-town, the best city in the world, and it makes me sad to think we haven’t met yet.

Well I’ll tell you, it felt good to get all that off my chest. Therapist Tina set me up with the name of a really nice psychiatrist and gave me some helpful hints for avoiding some of my more destructive behaviors. I think maybe Tina could be my soul mate. I didn’t say so to her, though. Sometimes I think maybe I’m so desperate for love that I rush into things. I’m going to work my slow game with Therapist Tina. Until then, I’m happy to finally know why I don’t always feel like life is the absolute best, even though deep down I know it is.

After the therapist visit Aunt Milly took me to a temp agency. I got called back into an office where a very nice woman with an enormous smile lots of wrinkles next to her eyes sat me down to discuss my resume. I like wrinkles by a woman’s eyes, they are like pages from a novel about a life well lived. Aunt Milly has them to. She came into the office with me to help me discuss what type of work might be best for me. “He’s a very artistic young man, and he knows computers,” she said, seeming proud. I was touched.

“Also, I have full blown depression,” I added, because it was on my mind and because I thought maybe it would matter. The woman with the eye wrinkles just stared at me. Her face got red and she seemed very uncomfortable. Aunt Milly shook her head and stood up immediately..

“Thanks for your time, anyway,” she said and grabbed by the arm and ushered me out of there. We are going to try a different temp agency tomorrow. Aunt Milly told me depression is nothing to be ashamed of but having no tact is. I guess I can’t always tell anyone how I feel. Bummer.